and you have been my child beaming at me and i open and open to you and you have been smothered and covered in dust barely breathing or already having ceased to breathe and i have wept for you wept for all that you have not yet been and all that i have already forgotten for though my bones ring electric and full of stories sometimes i wake up deaf and cannot cannot reach thru cakeddriedblood to remember to remember like a bell ringing thru all the sickness thru the pretending stiff poses to say i will sit on the floor with you baby and be with you a baby tiny wide-eyed and already a little brokenhearted but still fresh and yes laughing now god yes blooming speaking fresh words never before spoken you will be my friend i welcome you into the company of my dear ones some of whom are ancient though in young-faced bodies some of whom i have met only thru books so strong are their voices they've lasted this long some of whom i hardly got to meet before they chose to leave and i am sorry for not meeting them more richly for not sharing with them more of what is precious to me as i am sorry to you because there is no time left because i have been rung like a bell and will never be the same because because you sat across from me and said No "I will not give you what you asked for Because I see something Brighter in you Yet to be grasped so my No is for you to reach further and Yes I hear your plea that you must take this step to reach where I dream you to be" and i said oh ohhh god thank you ---- *for Vienna and Xander and Kenny and Linda and Arya and Gaza May 2024*